*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
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I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
January has been Januweary
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
being a writer on Twitter:
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Don’t make me out nice you.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.