I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
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(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”