Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
You Might Also Like
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
#MeanwhileInCanada
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy