my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
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god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
This week’s mood.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.