Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
You Might Also Like
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
It do be feeling this way.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.