Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
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“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce