Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
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It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
shit, they caught us—run!!!
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.