‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
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Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
When I laugh on my period
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.