Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
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Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
#math
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
set yourself free xox
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.