I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
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the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?