Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
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*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me