@Lisabug74: Like prison, most don't learn the life of crime till locked up. Like twitter, I learned to creep into houses and quietly eat their cheese.
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@AimeeHelene1: Me: You won't believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza. Him: M: *looks down* *sees pepperoni all over*
@abbycohenwl: Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die? Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we'll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
@Ghetto_Trophy: Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
@Mr_Kapowski: *watching a scary movie* 7 y/o daughter: They're just people in masks, right Dad? *blankets pulled over my head* "Sure, if you say so"
@McGrumpenstein: If I were on trial I would wear Crocs. The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
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