Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
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jesus christ confetti not now
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are