*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
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[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???