And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
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Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Lmao the reply
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Perfection.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.