Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
You Might Also Like
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.