Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
never deleting this app.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.