Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
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Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less