adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
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[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot