[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
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It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Dishonest mechanic?
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.