ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
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Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.