listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
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Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.