Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
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Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
The morning after pill, but for tweets
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Yup
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”