Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
You Might Also Like
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Not all heroes wear capes…
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers