Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
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I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land