Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
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[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Barbie gone wild
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o