Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
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I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)