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@tjcirimele: Listen, I hate you...
I'm just not... IN hate with you.
@GoldenSpirals: [At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I'd like to be able to see all of them. That's why I'm here.
@Iwriteforcats: [At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I'll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
@Schmoodles: Someone at work asked if I'd listened to any good books lately, and now I've got a body to dispose of. :(
@codyspencer0: Cereal box mascots give kids a dangerously positive view of animals who in the wild would literally kill them before they gave them cereal.
@hazelmotes1: Me: Could a drunk person do this!? *assembles Ikea bookcase*
Her: that's supposed to be a couch.