For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
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I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
*limbos away from your hug*
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.