Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
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Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬