Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
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stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good