Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
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“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies