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The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
need him
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar