Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
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[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
You have been warned.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
#Caturday
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Every work meeting this week
Every. Damn. Time.
I think this cat is broken
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!