Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
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Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Guy who likes music
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills