I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
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Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Are you ok, human???
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband