Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
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I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”