Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
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I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
❤️❤️❤️
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.