Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
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*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
*limbos away from your hug*
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Oceanography is all about current events
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons