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We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
“How’s your day going?”
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”