@andreeahluscu: Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.
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@TheWoodenslurpy: Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
@vikkaroni: Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I'm an alcoholic. Operator: Ma'am, this is AAA. Me: I know. I'm an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
@generaldietz: Baby Soldier: Ma'am. Your husband is MIA. Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands* Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.