@cervixsmash: Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Stop this woman

@david8hughes: The movie 'Up' is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn't die.

@longwall26: If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You'd be surprised how many people hadn't thought of that.

@BakedBrotatoes: *tosses banana peel out the window during a police chase*

@ClichedOut: Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A's! Me: No, blood alcohol content.