I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
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Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?