@llvvzz: Literally nothing has had less of an impact towards changing my life than that inspirational quote you posted on social media.
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@awkwardphilippe: [Jedi Academy] Why do you want to be Jedi? [Imagines using 'the force' to steal everyone's cats and building a cat army] To keep the peace
@Smethanie: My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I've been drinking at home, stupid kids can't reach the pedals.
@jbillinson: Obama: Tell Joe why he can't booby trap the White H- Biden: Now hold on a second, just know that no matter what you say I'm doing it anyways
@: snakes on a plane sequels: - snakes on a plane yes, again somehow - penguins on a pirate ship - dogs on parole - horses in a bad mood