If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
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I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I wish I could veto my bills.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
looks legit
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”