Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
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It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family: