Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
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I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Ovenable?
✌🏽
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?