Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
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Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.