Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
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I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.