@JimmerThatisAll: Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
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@mommy_cusses: Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
@suz1973luq: Text exchange: me- we need eggs. hub- how many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
@AndrewChamings: MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of? WIFE: I just...[sobbing]...don’t want the kids to suffer ME: Eels
@pixelatedboat: "I'm the world champion of hearing," I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw