@ZachXJ: Little kid next to me on a plane just ate the preservative packet out of his jerky, looked at me and said, "Don't tell my mom."
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@murrman5: ...and tonight's final jeopardy category is Greek Mythology *giant centaur snorts and smiles at the other two contestants*
@Jake_Vig: Torn this election season. I think it would be awesome to have the first woman president. But I'm also curious about the apocalypse.
@murrman5: wife: its ruining date night me: its ruining date night because you're letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
@trumpetcake: Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.