Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
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Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Stop sending me this shit.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.