Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
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I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?