today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
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Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people