Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
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If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what